Not all trauma has to be catastrophic for it to register in the body as a trauma. To qualify as traumatic, something happens that is beyond the processing capacity of the person's nervous system.

It’s the “overwhelming" nature of the event that defines the event as traumatic. When what happens is too big to be digested, metabolized and integrated, it floods the nervous system and triggers a cocktail of chemicals intended to mobilize us to find safety and survive a life-threatening situation.

It took me a long time to realise that being switched on all the time was because my alarm signalling system was in overdrive, and that pattern was caused by childhood trauma.

Even when I was asleep, I was switched 'on', and whatever I tried, replenishing rest seemed to evade me.

I didn't realise the overdrive pattern was caused by childhood trauma because I didn’t know I had childhood trauma.

Inherited trauma can be passed on intergenerationally through epigenetics, via the attachment system, in utero, and through nervous system patterns and behaviours learned from our caregivers.

I didn’t know about my trauma because at a very early age – a long time before I could talk - I learned through my mother's behaviour that it was best for me, her, everyone - to override the signals of my body and keep quiet, stay still, to hide my emotions and not ask for anything - even if I was hungry or cold or needed soothing.

I learned very early on to deny my needs and pretend that I didn't have any. That eventually disconnected me from my needs and created multiple traumas - with no safe person to comfort me and take my fear away from me, my poor little baby body couldn't hold onto all that stuff and keep it out of my awareness, so my nervous system automatically shut down and froze to bypass the overwhelm.

Does your inner voice always tell you, “Just do ONE MORE THING, and then you can rest”?

You know what it's like to run on adrenaline; your endless, unstoppable energy is your superpower and it has served you so well in business and in life generally.

So why is it then, that deep within you, you long to experience what true rest feels like?

Babies can't regulate their nervous system on their own - they rely on their caregivers to do that for them while they build their capacity over weeks, months and years.

Without experiencing the joys and benefits of co-regulation, children don't learn to self-regulate properly, and their nervous systems become a hair trigger for dysregulation, manifesting symptoms like irritability, anxiety and mood swings in adulthood. The only chance their nervous system has to slow down is to shut down, so they exist in a ‘hyper’ state most of the time until their system has had too much, and then they collapse into a ‘freeze’ state.

Because our body will do almost anything to avoid going into freeze (the freeze state feels precariously too close to death), some people get stuck oscillating uncontrollably between ‘hyper’ and ‘freeze’ until the body manifests adrenal fatigue, burnout, or chronic illness.

It wasn’t until the mid-1980's that the healing benefits (particularly for the immune system) of co-regulation was recognised. Researchers also began to understand the long-term health effects on children whose primary caregiver's nervous system was dysregulated.

An adult caregiver's nervous system teaches a baby’s nervous system to be as regulated or as dysregulated as theirs. Not all of us had the life-affirming and enriching experience of co-regulation as a baby, but we can create it in our adult attachment relationships with help from attachment focused therapy. Much more than just a soothing balm for your nervous system, co-regulation is like tapping into a well of unconditional love, applying a miracle anti-ageing cream and drinking from the fountain of eternal wellbeing.

CO-REGULATION Q&A

1.If I feel calm when I use my tools and practices, why do I need a nervous system coach or guide?

True, you can learn to CALM your nervous system response on your own with tools and practices you do on your own but calming your nervous system on your own will re-program your nervous system to achieve false regulation.

You need another nervous system to re-wire your nervous system.

I’m not just saying that because I am selling a program. My clients have experienced it, and it’s been established by science.

You have to build a safe relationship with your coach/guide so you can be supported to stay in your body and be present to any activation that comes up IN REAL TIME. Working with your sensations in the present moment is the transformational power of working with your nervous system.

2. Why is it false regulation?

From a scientific and biological perspective, the tools you use and practices you do on your own don’t switch on the front part of the vagus nerve – called the ventral vagus.

3. Why is it a problem if my front vagus doesn’t switch on?

If your front vagus isn’t on, it means that you haven’t learned how to fully calm your nervous system when you’re around other people. You tend to need to get away and be on your own to calm down.

Whilst that’s a workable strategy, it doesn’t optimise your innate biology. You can’t experience the health-giving, life-affirming potential of your body without it knowing how to co-regulate with others. Your nervous system was designed to borrow other people’s nervous systems to calm down (and feel safe).

4. What about practising calming exercises with others in a yoga or meditation class?

Many spiritual practices use the back part of the vagus, but if you calm down primarily using the back vagus, it trains your nervous system to dissociate and freeze each time you want to calm down. Yes, you feel calm, but you’re actually not connected to yourself, others, or your environment. The issue for entrepreneurs is that if you consistently use numbing and dissociating to calm down, it disconnects you from your vitality and aliveness.

5. Why is disconnecting a problem in business?

It’s your aliveness that makes you magnetic as a business owner and entrepreneur. It’s this innate aliveness that attracts your clients to you.

I see it time and again, someone posts a picture of themselves they think is “ugly” and “unflattering” and there are so many positive and affirming comments. The reason other people don’t see their “ugly” is because they feel their aliveness and that excites them.

Your aliveness IS exciting to your clients!

6. How can co-regulation help me to self-regulate?

Co-regulation nourishes your nervous system, and it’s the quality of your co-regulation experiences that establish the depth and quality of your self-regulation experiences.

The more you can allow your vulnerability and let go of controlling yourself, your process, and your connections, the deeper you can drop into co-regulation with others and give up patterns of hypervigilance which keep your physiology stuck in survival.

Your real power, freedom and sovereignty arrives when you stop striving, pushing and hustling to avoid your human vulnerability - i.e., your biological dependence on coregulation to expand into higher realms of consciousness.

7. How can I support myself to expand?

You absolutely can support yourself and show up for yourself as you need to. The trick is not to fall into old patterns of being overly responsible for things you can’t control or influence (Hint: You can’t switch on your front vagus on your own, which is your ‘aliveness’ button).

You can work with your humanity and lovingly support yourself to expand by:

exploring what it feels like to surrender into the experience of another person's nervous system holding you - this can happen in a consciously co-created container of safety
finding your edge when it comes to connecting with others - and leaning into it
learning how to let yourself feel everything - emotions and sensations - expressing them and letting them move through you without judgment or fear
practise being able to identify the felt-sense difference between freeze and regulation in your body
knowing how to be in tune with your body and to stay connected to yourself even when you receive messages from outside that you need to change
advocating for yourself and for what you need (giving yourself rest when you need it, discharging anger to return your nervous system to calm, etc.)
recognising fear and how it typically shows up in your body
being kind to yourself when it does, and supporting yourself through to what you truly desire (*mindset alone doesn’t work; you have to feel safe in your body as well to expand into what you desire, or you’ll always find a way to go back to what’s comfortable/safe)
showing love to your mind
recognising the origin of your beliefs without being harshly self-critical; instead, lovingly accept their right to exist without buying into the fear they generate.
read more about co-regulation and what it feels like in my blog, ‘Trying for co-regulation and finding love’.

When you learn how to wholeheartedly support yourself through your experiences instead of AVOIDING, SUPRESSING, PUSHING them away, or PRETENDING they don’t EXIST, you take back your ability to be a powerful leader and creator of your own life and step into wholeness.

I truly believe that when you fully embody the unique gifts nervous system training work has to offer you, you connect with your deep spiritual wisdom and your body becomes the prayer.

We are now accepting applications for the second round of R.E.S.T. Relational Embodiment Somatic Therapy® Practitioner Training – request the prospectus.

Sign up for R.E.S.T.® by July 31st, 2023, you’ll receive a bonus 1:1 session. You’ll also be able to upgrade to VIP and receive additional 1:1 sessions at a subsidised rate so you can start your journey straight away.

These 1:1 sessions are hugely transformational and can lead to significant breakthroughs – we can talk about this more when you book a call with me to discuss your participation in the training.

The call is your opportunity to ‘feel’ me out, ask questions and better understand how this program can open the way into something bigger, deeper, greater in your practitioner journey. There will be no selling from me - just honest conversation and generous sharing to help you on your way.

Or if you’re not quite ready to chat yet, start here to find out more.

Do I have trauma if I swing between "hyper" and "functional freeze"?